I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and have been meaning to post, but as usual-life has been crazy and I haven’t made that time to sit and blog. Which really must change. I’ve always enjoyed writing, it helps me to clear my head. I just haven’t made the time lately, and regretfully so.
When I was trying to think of a name for my new blog, I really didn’t know where to start. I wanted something totally different than what I had used before since I was, essentially, starting over. Then I started thinking about everything that had been going on in my life, and there seemed to be one commonality in every aspect – change. My life had basically flipped – but not upside-down, more like right side-up. Looking back now, I feel as if those who knew me before the last couple years only knew part of me. The ‘happy’ part, or at least I portrayed as happy. It wasn’t that I was a sad person, I just seemed to have settled into what I was used to without finding what made me truly happy and content. I was with a guy that, well, I had always been with, in a life that seemed to fit at the time. But I was also in a job I knew I didn’t want to do my entire life. I did it because I was good at it, not because there was a passion for it that burned in my heart. With knowing it wasn’t what I would do my entire life, I didn’t know where to turn, so I stayed.
Then it was as if God made the decision for me. I always knew he would lead me where I needed to be, I just hadn’t realized I myself had taken a path so off course that my world would go through a bit of a scramble to get back on course. That’s when the lay-off came, and it was as if He was saying, “it’s okay to take the step to find something else. I have bigger and better plans for you.” Yes, I went through the emotional roller coaster anyone would expect when one gets laid-off from a job. But I didn’t leave my cubicle the day I was let go crying, I had a smile on my face. I knew something better was out there, it was just my time to find that right path that I had strayed from so many years before. A path that led me to my calling, my passion, what I was always meant to do, and what didn’t feel forced. It was eventually revealed to me. I went back to school to get my certificate for law enforcement. I remember some friends looked at me like I was crazy when I told them, some family was even a little surprised – others had just been sitting and waiting to see when law enforcement would come back around. Once the decision of a career change was set in motion, everything fell into place. School was scheduled, clubs were joined, books were purchased, and I engulfed myself in the field! I loved it and couldn’t get enough of it!
Ah, change…and for the better!
Everything was settling down and I was in the swing of things. Or so I thought. Something was missing. I had this new career path that I was so jazzed about, and I was finally feeling content! Mostly… Something still wasn’t right. Then the semester was ending, and it was becoming all too clear. This man I had been with, married to, we weren’t growing together anymore. We hadn’t been for a while frankly, and it was just getting kind of old. Dates consisted of dinner with little conversation, small talk really, then back home for him to sit on the couch and watch TV and me at the computer. I began noticing all of the things I had been missing out on that I just stopped doing because he never wanted to. Going to coffee shops, museums, out to the movies, shooting! If it wasn’t working out, something with his family, or well, that’s about it…we didn’t really do it. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t laugh often, I smiled, but not a true smile. I covered up a lot, hid a lot. Then my armor started to crack, and finally shattered one day. I had reached my breaking point and left. I moved out and back in with my parents. Then found so many things hidden in the process of moving out that I started wondering who this person was that I thought I had known the last 10 years. I talked with family, opened up completely and decided to stop trying to fit that mold that I felt I needed to fit into. That was when I decided to save myself and let go of the marriage. The day I knew I was finally becoming the person I was always meant to be was when my grandmother told me, “I haven’t seen you smile or heard you laugh like that in years!” That was a turning point. I promised myself I would never lose that again!
And then the job came. Working in a police department? Me? Really?? Already?!? The first time I put on that uniform, I felt like I was on Cloud 9! Okay, at that time it was Cloud 256, but who’s counting. It felt right, like I was always meant to wear it. It was amazing! And my job was more than I could have asked for! I would get up excited for work, something I hadn’t felt in years.
Fast forward a year and a half, and change again – but so much for the better! I almost enjoy some change now, because I know He is preparing for something good to come in my life! It may not always seem like it at the time, but as they say – hindsight is 20/20. School is complete, and I mean really all done. I have taken my licensing test (just waiting for the results, eek!), have been applying for jobs, and moved back home again. This time with an amazing man who loves and accepts me for who I am without trying to change me! It’s like God had him waiting in the wings for just that moment when He knew I was ready. Things are moving and grooving. Things have been happening quick, and I’ve learned to just take it as it comes. He has a plan and will reveal it when it’s time!
And now that I just poured out my soul (I suppose it was about time), I must get my beauty sleep!